Teaching Children to Resolve Conflict in a Healthy Way

This blog is part of a series on Fostering Healthy Minds in Children at Church that provides strategies children’s leaders can use to foster healthy minds in children to whom they minister. And, hey, you may even pick up a tip or two to help those in your personal circles! If you’re new to the series, we encourage you to check out the introduction here.

Let’s face it: conflicts are bound to happen, both in church and in life outside the church, so let’s go ahead and embrace them! I am very passionate about teaching kids and adults in my practice that conflict does not have to be negative. Conflict is, in fact, a very healthy part of relationships if handled appropriately.

Conflicts are opportunities for us to learn how to advocate for ourselves and for us to learn about other people’s needs and boundaries.

Healthy conflict can make bonds stronger. The more we constructively address the things that bother us, the more we are able to make friendships and bonds built firmly on mutual respect, instead of ones that are teetering on annoyance and resentment.

So, how do we do that? Here are some of the basics.

Resolving Conflict between Children at Church

Keep the above-mentioned information in the front of your mind, and clearly communicate it to children in your missions discipleship group. Let them know it is perfectly normal to have emotions, feel annoyed, hurt, disrespected, etc. Also let them know it is normal for other people to have those feelings too.

When conflict arises, address the issue once children are calm. This may mean you have to separate those involved until tensions lower (i.e., not sitting together, not placed in the same group, etc.).

Address conflict with children away from the rest of the group. If you were to ask children to discuss their conflict in front of everyone, it could embarrass them and immediately put them on the defensive.

Make sure you get both sides of the story in a conflict in order to understand where the conflict started and also so that both children feel they have been heard. You don’t have to agree with one side or the other, just listen!

Lay ground rules before beginning a discussion with children about the conflict. Some of my favorite rules include: no name calling, no yelling, no hitting, and you can only talk if you have the “talking stick” (i.e., something you hold that designates when it is your time to talk).

Teach children to use “I” statements, which start with “I” instead of “you.” “I” statements allow the other person to hear how you feel while not also feeling personally attacked. They look like this: I feel ____ when ____ because ____. I need/want ____. (Ex.: I felt angry when you took my picture because I was not ready. I need you to ask next time.

Help both children in the conflict identify what they can do next time to prevent the same issue from happening again.

Help children practice appropriate apologies. I like to give children sentence stems to follow, which helps them stick to communicating in a healthy way, instead of escalating the conflict. Here is a good sentence stem for apologies: I am sorry for ____ because ____. Next time I will ____. (Ex.: I am sorry for leaving you out because it made you sad. Next time I will include you in the game.)

Make like Elsa and let it go! Remind children (as many times as necessary) that we don’t bring up issues that have already been resolved. After all, who has ever felt calmer after being reminded of their past mistakes?

In Matthew 18:15, Jesus said, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over” (NIV). Jesus understood our sinful nature and our propensity to bicker and fight. But He also understood we can accomplish more when we work together and are at peace with one another.

While you lead children in your group, disciple them in this practical matter, so that when they are grown members of a church, out on the missions field, or living life in their job and family, they can resolve conflict in a healthy way that helps advance God’s kingdom instead of slowing it down.

Brooklyn Hancock is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Registered Play Therapist, mom, and former Certified School Counselor. Her passions are working with children, adolescents, teens, adults, and parents to navigate life’s toughest challenges.

Disclaimer: The information shared on wmu.com is not meant to diagnose or treat a mental health condition. We encourage you to follow up with your health-care provider and seek a mental health professional for individual consultation and care.