When you, as a leader, learn that a child in your missions group has experienced the death of someone they love, your heart breaks for the child.

Communicating with children about death is one of the most challenging experiences any adult will face, but it can also be a sacred opportunity for you, as a leader, to be the hands and feet of Christ to a hurting child and his or her family.

Children grieve when someone dies. Studies show that the most important factor in how a child reacts to death is how adults in their lives respond to the situation.

Caring adults, including church leaders, can make all the difference in a child’s early experiences with death.

In my work, I have had the great privilege and honor of companioning grieving children in my care. They have each taught me so much. Here are a few things I’ve learned from their unique journeys through grief.

Talk to Children on Their Developmental Level

We often want to shelter children from death, but children learn about life and living through their experiences with death and dying. Instead of trying to shelter children, it’s important to talk about the reality of death at their developmental level.

In speaking with children about death, our words should be carefully chosen. It is OK to use the words death and died. Euphemisms such as passed away or sleep can lead to misunderstanding and fear. Be factual, but shield them from harrowing details.

Give Children Permission to Mourn

Each child is unique in their response to grief. Big, volatile emotions, regressive behaviors, and acting-out behaviors are just a few forms of expressions caring adults need to recognize as normal, natural ways children work through their grief. Children need to play out and act out their grief in the presence of a nurturing adult.

When a child seems to be having a hard time dealing with grief, she may need extra support. Hospice bereavement programs, church grief groups, and private therapists can be appropriate resources. Ask your church leadership for guidance if you need additional resources to share with a family.

Help Children Keep Their Memories Alive

Naturally bring up the person who died in conversation by asking questions like, “What was your favorite food Grandma made?” or “Tell me about a fun time you and your dad had together,” while also respecting the child’s need to talk or not talk about the death.

Consider a tangible way of remembering. An elderly man in my community makes wooden hearts for school counselors to give to grieving children. What a beautiful example of a simple, tangible, powerful expression of love.

Relate Children’s Experience of Death to Faith

Many adults mistakenly think they must always have answers to a grieving child’s questions. Even as adults, we have our own unanswered questions about death. But what we do have, as believers, is hope. We do not grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thess. 4:13).

The wonderful privilege we have as leaders is to share God’s unfailing love and promises of comfort and hope to grieving children and their families. Pray for wisdom and ask God to direct you in knowing how to respond to a child’s questions about death.

My first experience with death came at the tender age of 8. My playmate who lived three doors down from me was struck by a car and killed on our street in front of my house. I am so very thankful for the precious Girls in Action® (GA®) leaders and others in my church who came alongside my family and me. In extending sensitivity and genuineness, they were instrumental in helping my grieving heart begin to heal.

 

May God guide you as you help the grieving children in your life.

 

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Fondra Magee is mom to two grown sons, elementary school counselor, and wife to Tom. Her passions include type 1 diabetes advocacy, play therapy, clown ministry, and sharing God’s love with her community and all who do not know Him.