“You had a picture in your mind of how you thought life would turn out.” 

This is a line from the book I coauthored, Unhitching from the Crazy Train: Finding Rest in a World You Can’t Control (New Hope Publishers, 2018). For those of us who are parents with grown children, has a truer sentence ever been written? We started our parenting journey with a very detailed image of how raising our children would go—the kind of parent we would be, the kind of child they would be, the kind of adult they would turn out to be one day. For parents who are believers, that picture includes our children faithfully walking in the gospel truths we tried to instill in them from a young age. So, when our children question their faith, make choices that contradict their faith, or leave their faith altogether, that picture is shattered, and we’re left wondering, What happened? Where did I go wrong? What can I do to bring them back? 

Few things are more painful for a believing parent than to see their child wander from their faith. How do we move forward in what can feel like such a hopeless place? 

1. Resist the urge to try to force your child back into your picture. 

Trying to corral and control is tempting. This might look like lecturing your child on the importance of going to church, bombarding them with sermons and podcasts, or even bargaining and pleading. Don’t let your good desire for your child become distorted into anxiety for you and pressure on them to conform. The result will probably be resistance from them and more frustration and despair for you. 

2. Don’t get stuck in self-blame. 

One of the most inevitable questions that comes when our children wander is, “What did I do wrong?” We replay scenes from the past, analyze our efforts, and bemoan our shortcomings. Prayerful self-reflection is important and is even encouraged in Scripture. Consider David in Psalm 139:23–24 (NIV) when he said, “Search me, God, and know my heart. . . . See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” However, there is a difference between specific conviction that comes from the Spirit and condemnation that comes from the enemy and accuses, “This is all your fault.” It’s simply not true. 

We have a role in our children’s spiritual formation, but we are not ultimately responsible for their faith or lack thereof. God is the giver of faith. Fixating on regrets or self-blame isn’t helpful for us or our children, and ultimately, it doesn’t change anything. 

3. Preserve the relationship so they have a home to come back to. 

When the prodigal son was alone in the far country, he made the decision to go home because he was hungry, and he knew his father would be there, ready and willing to provide for him. And he was right. His father welcomed him by running toward him with open arms. No questions asked, no lectures given, just the pure joy of reconciliation. When your child is wandering, focus on the relationship instead of your disappointment or differences. If at all possible, find ways to connect, love, and serve so they know they can always come home, because at home, they are loved. 

4. Entrust your child to Christ. 

The journey of loving your adult children is not for the faint of heart. Realizing you don’t have control over their choices, especially as they relate to faith, can feel scary. But we can experience freedom in realizing the One who does have the ability to change their hearts loves them more than you ever could and knows exactly what they need. This truth can relinquish you from the burden of trying to find the right thing to say or do to bring them back, because you know your words and actions can’t change them; only Jesus can. This truth can enable you to love them where they are and to have an open, relational posture toward them versus an anxious, instructive, or critical one. Trusting your children to Christ frees you up to focus more on what God is doing in you through this pain than on what you think you need to do to “fix” them. 

As the old hymn says, “My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness” (“My Hope Is Built on Nothing Less,” Edward Mote, 1834). Our hope for our wandering children rests not in our best efforts but in Christ alone. Open your hands and entrust Him not only with your child’s wandering heart but with your hurting one too. All other ground is sinking sand. 

[Disclaimer:] 

The information shared in this article is not meant to diagnose or treat a mental health condition. We encourage you to follow up with your health-care provider and seek a mental health professional for individual consultation and care. 

Jennifer Phillips is a licensed professional counselor at Restore Ministries in Birmingham, Alabama. She is also the author of Bringing Lucy Home and Hope When It’s Hard, as well as the coauthor of Unhitching From the Crazy Train: Finding Rest in a World You Can’t Control. She is a wife and mother of four and loves reading great books, writing, and spending time with her family.