Good Grief: Working through Significant Losses

“I’m tired,” Darrell murmured, lying on the gurney in the emergency room.

“Are you saying you’re ready to go? You’re ready to leave me?” I asked, afraid of his response.

He nodded his head yes and looked away.

“You have to fight. Please,” I begged.

He was admitted to the hospital, and I completed intake paperwork for hospice care a few weeks later.

Grieve Well

Everyone will grieve the loss of a loved one, traversing various ways of grieving such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. How individuals express that loss varies with personality and the level of intimacy with the person lost. Grief is further complicated by financial and social needs and current stressors. The key is to grieve well — experience emotions, accept support, and develop resilience.

Experience Emotions

Grief is a natural response to divorce, chronic illness, death, or other circumstances leading to the termination of relationships. Long-term palliative or hospice care and, later, losing the role of caregiver also complicate feelings of grief.

Permanent disruptions of routines, responsibilities, and companionship evoke unexpected emotional pain and sadness. Lean into the pain; feel and express your emotions.

After my husband died, I stayed at a friend’s home for a few days, unsure of how I would handle my emotions. I knew she would be supportive if I fell apart. When I returned home, a jockey statue with our racing colors and other items we purchased together triggered sadness. I was angry because a stroke and Alzheimer’s disease robbed me of a future with my husband. I fell onto the bed; my body convulsed as I released bellyaching screams.

After an hour, I called friends, told them I was hurting, and shared stories about adventures Darrell and I lived through together. They discussed experiences they had with him. Laughter replaced tears. Like a rollercoaster, the twists and turns of grief, the ups and downs and everything in between, ended with God’s strength to cope again.

Accept Support

God is always present. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (NIV). Being honest and open about our feelings invites His comfort and guidance.

Family and friends want to help, and we can teach them how to support us. Ask for what’s needed. For example, I’d invite myself to friends’ homes, explaining my loneliness. I cooked meals, watched movies, and laughed with them. I learned to live in the moment. If they were busy, I’d go to the grocery store or mall, knowing I’d find someone to talk to.

It’s important to monitor ourselves to determine when we need counsel from family, friends, support groups, or professionals. We need help when we have continual sadness or hopelessness, when we lose the desire to engage with others, or when we lack motivation to participate in activities we usually enjoy.

Develop Resilience

Writing this article evoked a conversation I had shortly after my husband’s death.

“Audrey, you were a good wife,” my friend said.

I just want to be a wife, I thought.

Memories of working on the farm, entertaining friends in our home, and squeezing into his bed at the nursing home invaded my thoughts. I cried and acknowledged my desire for his presence.

Through the tears, I told God all about my conversation with my friend and thanked Him for using my experiences to help others cope with grief.

I still cling to Psalm 34:18 because it reminds me how God’s presence and comfort have taught me to find contentment, wholeness, completeness, and intimacy in Him.

What an adventure I have had embracing singlehood. I’m excavating old dreams, expanding my interests, and focusing more on God and others. Who would have thought I would learn to play the violin, attend operas, travel, participate in pickleball, or dress up for a formal tea? Now dreams deferred are a reality.

We shouldn’t ignore, suppress, or avoid our pain. We don’t need to compare our grief process with the way others process their loss. Instead, with God’s help, we can embrace our emotions, determine when we need support and accept it, and develop resilience. In time, we will experience joy again.

Tips for How to Grieve Well

- Seek God, pray, and read the Bible continually.
- Acknowledge and express the loss.
- Seek counsel from support groups or mental health professionals as needed.
- Stay in the present. This moment is most important.
- Connect with others.
- Excavate old dreams, and develop new skills and goals.
- Remember self-care.

Tips for How to Help Those Who Are Grieving

- Acknowledge their grief, but don’t minimize the loss by saying things like, “She isn’t suffering any longer,” or, “He is in a better place.”
- Be proactive. Schedule a time to help with meals, laundry, errands, or other responsibilities.
- Let them know you’re supportive. Then, be available and listen. Pray with them and for them.

Audrey Hector is a retired mental health therapist and engineer. She is freelance writer and author of Forgiving the Unforgivable and Counting My Blessings: A Prayer Journey from Seeking God’s Answers to Seeking Him. As a conference speaker and life coach, she inspires others to “taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8). Audrey resides in Texas.

Disclaimer: The information shared in this article is not meant to diagnose or treat a mental health condition. We encourage you to follow up with your health-care provider and seek a mental health professional for individual consultation and care.