Knit Together: Celebrating God’s Story for Your Family through Adoption

As an adopted child, my birth announcement read, “I wasn’t expected; I was selected.” Of course, I wasn’t actually picked out of a line of infants, but this sentiment carried with it the sense of celebration my parents made a part of my life.

I found out at some point in my life that my parents’ adoption social worker encouraged them to tell me I was adopted at an early age. I wish, so many years later, I could thank her. Instead, I will share with you some insights that have been a part of my personal and professional adoption experience as well as my education and adoption trainings and certifications along the way. I hope they will help you if you are pursuing adoption, are an adoptive parent, or have a loved one who is adopting.

Get Ready

Many people who desire to adopt a child are also grieving a loss. Often, the grief is due to difficulty conceiving or maintaining a pregnancy.

Please recognize this loss. Although you may want to jump in and start the adoption journey, take time to acknowledge and process that this may not be how you anticipated having children. Talk to a pastor, a trusted friend, another adoptive parent, or a counselor. Pray, journal, and read.

You may be tempted to rush into the adoption process and push those emotions down. The paperwork alone provides much distraction, but I encourage you to really work through the loss. You owe it to yourself as well as your children to come. You will want to be able to fully celebrate them.

If you have already adopted but never fully grieved, I encourage you to still do the work. It’s not too late.

Next Steps

Talk to someone who has adopted. Attend a training or seminar. Read a book about parenting an adopted child or one that deals with healthy attachment.

There is no way to know what your baby’s time in utero looked like, and even if your baby’s birth mom had a healthy pregnancy, it was likely a stressful time for her. Children from international adoptions may have been in substandard environments with caregivers who were overloaded. Children from foster care have experienced trauma, no matter how young.

You can begin to prepare for adopting by asking for advice from those who have been where you are and have gone through the adoption process.

The following list includes a few books I recommend:

- The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine
- The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls
- Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson
- Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell

Whether you are adopting an infant from across the world or siblings though the foster care system, you truly must be at peace with God’s plan for your family and rejoice in how He is working. God chose this for you, and He has exciting things in store.

Celebrate!

In grad school, I did a small-scale research project with adult adoptees. I looked specifically at the age they were when they were told they were adopted and compared it to their general well-being as adults. Because a child develops both physically and psychologically as they grow, my findings are not surprising.

In my small sample, I found that those who knew they were adopted at an earlier stage developed a firmer sense of who they were and were emotionally healthier as adults.

When you tell your child, celebrate his or her adoption. I remember children “being mean” to their siblings by telling them they were adopted. I am thankful to this day that this response totally confused me. My thought was “Hey, really? Me too!” My family had enough discussion and celebration regarding the word adoption that it became such an amazing, loving word to me.

So how can you celebrate?

- Celebrate: It can be on your adoption finalization (court) day, the day you were placed together as a family, or any day you wish. Just celebrate it!
- Disclose early and positively: Don’t be afraid to tell your child he or she was adopted. To be honest, I can’t tell you when I learned I was adopted. My parents told me before I could even understand, so adding age-appropriate details as I matured just provided more details to a story I already knew.
- Tell stories: I can give you details on the emotions my parents felt when they got the call, how they frantically got everything ready for my arrival, what I was wearing, and how they felt when they first saw me. Tell your child stories of his or her adoption journey. Tell them over and over.

Because I am an adopted child, an adoption professional, an aunt of an adopted niece and nephew, and a friend to adoptive families, my children hear the word adoption a great deal.

On one occasion when my son was younger, we were talking about adoption. He turned to me and asked, “Mom, when was I adopted?” I had to tell him he was not adopted, but he recognized adoption as a completely legitimate way to have a family.

No matter where you are in the adoption journey, I pray you also will embrace the perfect way God is creating your family!

Dana Capps received a master of arts in marriage and family counseling at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. She is an adult adoptee and was the adoption specialist at Florida Baptist Children’s Homes (now One More Child).

Disclaimer: The information shared in this article is not meant to diagnose or treat a mental health condition. We encourage you to follow up with your health-care provider and seek a mental health professional for individual consultation and care.